Saturday, 31 December 2011

Breaking-In The Staff

Well, I've come up with a new idea.  I heard some of my friends in nursery talking about it and it sounded faaaabooolous!  Apparently, the way it works is that their Mummy's and Daddy's put them into a bed on their own and instead of sleeping, they shout rather a lot until eventually, they're moved into a super-fantastic-extra-big-bed with Mummy and Daddy.  Now this sounds like a fantastic plan so I thought I'd look into it.  A couple of weeks ago, Mummy left her laptop within reach so I did some research and I discovered this is called 'co-sleeping' and babies who do it are happier and more secure - excellent!  Whatever it's called, I had to put this particular plan into action but I knew I had to get my timing just right if it was going to work.  I began to plot.

First of all, I started to wake up just a little bit more often at night.  I needed to break Mummy and Daddy in and get them nice and tired from replying to my shouts for Dumbles.  At first, I went back to sleep fairly quickly but then I started to stay awake for longer and longer.  Eventually, all they had to do was lift their head from their pillow and I was up and propped on my arms waiting for service.  Usually I planned it so that Mummy and Daddy had just gone to sleep around an hour previously and were just falling nicely asleep...then I shouted.  So Daddy sleepily got up, reinserted Dumbles, I rolled over with a happy chewing suck and started to snore.  They crept back into bed, closed their eyes and.......

I have LOST my DUMBLES!  This cannot BE!  

So this time, Mummy sleepily stumbled over to my cot, reinserted Dumbles and I rolled over with a happy chewing suck and started to snore...but I kept one eye open and watched Mummy just waiting for her head to hit the pillow and her eyes to close.....

MUMMY!!!!  I have LOST my DUMBLES!!!!!

This "breaking in" phase went on for a few nights until eventually, Mummy got the idea.  She pulled me out of my cot and nestled me in her bed, making a nice space between her pillow and Daddy's.  I snuggled down, wriggled a bit and...oh yes, this is nice Mummy....snnnooooooorrreeeee...... The first night was so peaceful and I slept for such a long time that Mummy thought it might not be quite such a bad idea to have me in her bed.  I did after all let her sleep in until 5:45am - a positive lie in!

However, little did she know that this was only the beginning of my plan.  The next night, after I'd shouted quite a lot, Mummy dragged me into her bed again.  Aaaahhhhh niiiiiiiicce.  I wriggled.  I snuggled.  I whacked Daddy for a while.  I blinked sleepily at Mummy.  I rolled over and I snored.  Once again, I let the staff have a nice lie in.  But the next night, it was time. 

Step 1: Shout
Step 2: Dumbles
Step 3: Mummy bed (right on target!)
Step 4: Snuggle
Step 5: Whack Daddy.
Step 6: Blink sleepily.....
Step 7: Whack Daddy.
Step 8: Smile innocently at Mummy.
Step 9: Whack Daddy.

Are we noticing a theme here?  You see, I had decided that Daddy was in my way.  It was of course lovely snuggling next to Mummy but now that I'M here, there's just no need for Daddy.  The bed isn't big enough for three Daddy!  So I started off by rolling over next to Daddy and snuggling beside him.  Then slowly I began to push.  I flattened my little back against his big back, I locked my legs and HEAVED.  He grunted, snorted a little, moved over an inch or two and I relaxed while sucking Dumbles.  I locked my little nappied bum against Daddy and HEAVE.  He grunted and gave me another couple of inches.  Mmmmmm snuggle, squirm snore.  HEAVE!  But then betrayal!  Mummy sleepily dragged me back against her - spoilsport!  I'd lost all my momentum!  But in fairness, she's really very soft and cuddly so I snuggled for a while.   But all was not lost.  I rolled over again, locked backs with Daddy and HEAVED.  Daddy grunted and rolled further to the edge of the bed to give me some space.  I stretched a little, wiggled, spread out comfortably and sucked Dumbles.  Daddy clung to the edge of the bed and tried to stay on.  I'm sure he was having a nice, restful night...HEAVE!

The next night, much the same except that this time, I decided to take a lesson from the cats. You see, I'd watched them very carefully and seen that despite their comparatively small size, when they lie diagonally, they manage to take up at least half a king sized bed.  This looked like a good idea so repeat steps 1 to 9 and suddenly there I was with Daddy clinging to one side of the bed and Mummy clinging to the other while I lay diagonally between them, cuddling teddy and busily sucking Dumbles.  Just for added sarcasm, I propped my feet up on Daddy's shoulder and flung my arm across Mummy while I snored.  Then I grabbed a handful of Daddy's pillow and started to tug on it.  Tug.  Tugtugtug.  Daddy, are you sleeping?  Tugtugtug.  Daddy, can I have your pillow please?  Tugtugtug.  Daddy grunted and pulled the pillow away from me, giving Teddy back to me.  Tugtugtug.  No Daddy, I want your pillow.  Tugtugtug.  Tug.  HEAVE.

Daddy grunted, rolled over and gently repositioned me in my little space between their pillows.  I snuggled for a while then slowly started to inch HEAVE.  Daddy sighed loudly, said some words I'm sure I'm not supposed to hear and pushed me back towards Mummy who wrapped me in her arms and cuddled me closely.  Wiggle.  Inch.  Squirm.  Tugtugtug.  Daddy, you don't really need your pillow do you?  Come to think of it Daddy, do you actually need to be here at all?  Are you sure the couch wouldn't be more comfortable for you?  Really, I'm quite sure it would.  Wiggle.  Squirm.  HEAVE.  Tugtugtug.  Isn't cosleeping wonderful Daddy?  So restful.  Tugtugtug.  

Finally, Daddy gave up.  I knew he would.  He stomped off.  Daddy?  If it's any help, you're welcome to use my bed, I'm finished with it for the night.  It even has bars on it so you won't fall off the edge like you do on this one.  Help yourself Daddy!  Daddy, why are you ignoring me?  Was it something I said?  

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