Monday, 16 April 2012

Captivity


(Insert male Geordie voiceover aka Big Brother Announcer) 

Day 386 of my captivity.

Not content with holding me hostage without ransom and force feeding me on gruel like substances, the woman has recently ordered the man to install prison bars throughout the building in order to contain me.  

I used to have the freedom to roam the lower floor of the building but it would appear the woman has tired of tugging my hands free of various interesting substances such as the tree, the DVD player, the gas fireplace, and the drawers.  Last week I attempted to climb the stairs to the second floor, seeking an escape hatch.  Sadly, after only two stairs my attempt failed as I crashed to the floor.  

Now, I have been reduced to the state of utter imprisonment and spend my days behind bars.  There is a set at the top of the stairs, the bottom of the stairs and even one holding me in my main pen, the room typically called "the lounge".  
I vainly attempt to climb over the bars with only minimal success.  All attempts to shout at the woman and tell her EXACTLY what I think of this new development are proving unsuccessful.  She simply comes over, strokes my head and either leaves again or comes into the pen to sit behind the bars with me.  I fail to see the point of this exercise and in disgust, attempt to climb over her to resume my escape efforts.

To make matters worse, the woman has now added sleep deprivation to her list of available tortures.  The mere fact that I have decided to wake up every hour, on the hour throughout the night is of course entirely irrelevant - as is the fact that I have also decided 4:30am is now the perfect time to greet the day with a screech...or two.  I am in fact simply appreciating the beauty of the new day and getting a jump on things to make sure I waste no time appreciating my life.  

However, after a mere three weeks of this entertaining activity, it would appear the woman has tired of having a nocturnal baby and has decided to withhold daytime sleep.  You see, normally I retire for my morning rest shortly after breakfast and sleep for between 1-2 hours.  I then arise, play for a time, enjoy my lunch and retire for a further rest of 1-2 hours.  This period of beauty sleep is of course entirely essential to my health and wellbeing and I refuse to compromise on this.  It is entirely unreasonable for the woman to this morning force me to remain awake.  

I agreed to play for quite a lengthy time but by 10:45am the situation was getting critical and I was voicing my complaints rather loudly.  Finally by 11am the woman got the point and allowed me to rest in her arms.  By 11:03am my eyes were closed but to my utter indignation, at 11:05am the doorbell rang.  Finally by 11:08am the woman had sat down again and by 11:10am my eyes were once again closed.  I fully expected a reasonable length rest considering quite how flexible I had been towards the woman's expectations however I was utterly furious when the demands of my stomach woke me up at 11:58am.  I ROARED my displeasure and when the woman attempted to change my pants, I threw SUCH a tantrum that only my heels and shoulders were actually touching the changing mat.  Well.  There's no point making things easy for my captors. The woman was surprisingly patient and only had words with me once but I confess I didn't hear them as my roars were slightly elevated in volume.


Thankfully, my pants freshly changed, the woman agreed to see to the demands of my stomach with a bowl of noontime rations.  At least my daily gruel now has some lumps in it and I am occasionally allowed juice instead of the monotonous diet of milk and water.  Twice, as a treat, I was offered some of the most gorgeous brown sweet stuff, but I am convinced this was purely an effort to soften me up for the latest tortures.  

If only I knew what the woman wanted of me!  Perhaps then I could bribe her for my freedom...Would that someone would rescue me from this evil place.  

2 comments:

  1. Adam, shall I send Joseph round, he's mastered the climb and flop. Keep trying, you can do it!

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  2. Adam the prison bars you speak of are not a bad thing! It means mummy wants to spend more time with you! And down the road they will become a source of entertainment. As you get smarter mummy and daddy will climb over the gate as they do not want you to learn how to open it! Then they will trip over the gate and you will have your entertainment . Just wait and be patient and remember mummy and daddy are adding these safety bars for your entertainment / safety !

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