Sunday, 30 September 2012

Women's Own Magazine

Today, a version of Adam's story was published in Women's Own magazine, a scanned copy of which is below:



Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Jet lag? I laugh in the face of jet lag!

Well, I heard Mummy talking to Daddy before we left to get on the big metal bird and she was saying she hoped I wouldn't suffer too much from jet lag and also that I wouldn't keep her awake for too many nights while I adjusted.  Now, if there's ever one thing I'm going to pay attention to, it's mention of me causing trouble for Mummy.  As I said in my last post, I never cause trouble, I simply expect the attention that is due me as His Majesty, The Baby.

So of course, the first night after our big adventure in the big metal bird, I thought I would break Mummy in gently, just to make sure she had a nice rest. Because I had a nice long nap on the metal bird, and another shorter rest in the car on the way to Aunty Lynne's, I was quite happy to have a small snack for my tea and then stay awake until just after 6pm.  Mummy was quite amazed that I'd lasted so long and even dared hope I would sleep for a nice long time during the night - I heard her saying so to Aunty Lynne just before I dropped off to sleep.  Well, if theres one thing that's guaranteed to make me want to mess with the staff, it's a wish like that!

So, just to prove what an exceptionally nice baby I am, I allowed myself just one brief Dumbles crisis during the night and other than that, slept through until 5am.  Then, when Mummy sleepily dragged me into her bed, I confirmed just how much I liked being cuddled by agreeing to lay as quietly and silently as a little mouse....albeit just slightly more smelly than a real mouse, but we won't go there.

However, by 6am, I had decided I really had been exceptionally nice to Mummy and that it was now definitely time to get up.  I announced this fact by crawling out of Mummy's arms, inching up onto my knees and elbows and then stuck my bottom in the air.  I wiggled.  Then I wiggled some more.  Then I put my head into the roleypoley position and prepared to flip my smelly little bottom into Mummy's sleepy face.  Unfortunately, she's getting wise to this trick and succeeded in grabbing me just before I commenced my grand manoeuvre.  As she grabbed me, I complained saying, "Mummy! I was busy! Mummy I was doing my morning roleypoley!  It's very important to start the day with a little bit of light exercise and this is my method!  Let me go AT ONCE Mummy!  Mummy, do NOT shush me!  Mummy, if I want to shout then I will shout and I don't care if we are guests in Aunty Lynne's house nor that it is 6am.  I was BUSY!"

Mummy, ever deaf to my protests, dragged me out of roleypoley position but thankfully, she had listened to my point of view and agreed that yes, it was indeed time to get up.  She changed and dressed me and, continuing my plan of buttering up the staff, I giggled and chuckled contentedly and remained oh, so quiet and considerate of others in the house.  Once we were ready, Mummy crept quietly downstairs and offered me some lovely tasty milk which of course, I drank quietly and happily while snuggling on my cushion and enjoying some nice cuddles.  When Cousin Nicki came down just after 7am as she got ready for school, she looked at my contented face and said, "Ahhhh he is just SO cute!" Step One of my plan is working.  Then when Aunty Lynne appeared an hour later and looked at me quietly playing with my toys on the floor, she said Uncle Dwayne had told her, "Wow, that is one quiet kid!" Oh Uncle Dwayne, you have much to learn.

We had a nice, quiet day that first day in Canaydia.  I napped, played, ate a little but not a lot and succeeded in staying awake until 7pm which pleased Mummy greatly.  Just as I fell asleep, I heard her wishing for a repeat of last night and I smiled to myself.  That evening, every hour, on the hour, I shouted for Dumbles ensuring that Mummy spent the whole evening running up and down Aunty Lynne's stairs.  I'm sure she was grateul for the exercise.  As she was also trying to win her own battle against jet lag, she forced herself to stay up until 10pm before tiredly walking up the stairs one last time.  I watched out of one eye as she got ready for bed, crawled under the covers and laid her head on the pillow.

3.......

2.............

1..................

MUMMY! I AM AWAKE AND I REQUIRE DUMBLES AT ONCE!!!!!!!

Mummy tiredly crawled out of bed, stuffed Dumbles into my mouth, stroked my head a few times and then crawled back into bed again.

I allowed her five minutes.

MUMMY!!!! I AM AWAKE AND I REQUIRE DUMBLES AT ONCE!!!

Once again, Mummy crawled out of bed, stuffed Dumbles into my mouth, stroked my head and crawled back into bed again.

Once again, I allowed her five minutes before, 

MUMMY! I AM AWAKE AND I REQUIRE DUMBLES AT ONCE!!!

This really was a fun game, I was quite sure I could keep it up for hours.  But eventually, I decided that for my own sake, a brief snooze would just help me conserve my strength for the next phase.  So I munched on Dumbles and allowed myself to drift into a pleasant doze.  The next I knew it was 1am and I was shocked to realise I had allowed Mummy to sleep for an entire 1.5 hours.  I quickly decided that this really was enough rest for any member of staff and that it was time to ramp up my plan to the next phase.  

This time, just shouting for my Dumbles really wasn't dramatic enough to ensure the staff were well and truly awake.  So I stood up in my cot, leaned as far over the bars as I could and screamed, MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!  I require your attention AT ONCE!!!!!!!!  


MUMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!


This time Mummy groaned and put her pillow over her head as she attempted to ignore me.  Well.  This. Would. Never.  Do.


MUMMY!!! GET UP AT ONCE AND ATTEND TO MY NEEDS!!!!!  RIGHT.  NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mummy groaned.  Then she moaned.  Then she rolled over and stared through the darkness at my patiently waiting little face peering over the top of my cot.

HELLO MUMMY!  I'M READY TO GET UP NOW.  WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY WITH ME?

Hmm.  Mummy, why are you still lying in bed groaning?  This is wholly unacceptable Mummy.  I don't care if it is 1am.  I require you to get up and wait on me This.  Instant.  MUMMY!

Well, eventually, Mummy agreed to get out of bed and pull me into her bed.  I therefore spent the next three and a half hours entertaining myself by rolling, wiggling, kicking, doing 360 degree rotations in the bed, then just to freak her out, I would quickly roll as close to the edge of the bed as I could while pretending to be asleep.  This of course ensured that Mummy jumped and grabbed for me, thinking I was about to fall out of bed.  The bigger picture was that the panic I created in her ensured she was completely and totally awake.  

By 4:30am, Mummy had completely run out of energy, patience and was entirely willing to rehome me to the highest bidder.  Unfortunately, bidders for noisy babies are few and far between at 4:30am so she decided to plunk me back into my cot, dragged a chair over beside it and propped up her iPad next to it.  Then, she put 'In The Night Garden' on continuous repeat. Ahhhhh.  Success, I do love this show.  If only someone had thought to make popcorn, this would be the perfect setting.  Ah well, I suppose a baby can't have everything.  Mummy? Would you like to watch with me?

Mummy?

Mummy?

Hmmmm.

I believe that lump over there in the bed with, is it two or three pillows over its head?  Yes, I believe that lump is Mummy.  I do believe she's decided she's now off duty.  Ahhh well, I could press the point, but I do love this show.  Alright, I'll let you off Mummy, just this once..

Later that morning, I heard that Uncle Dwayne had changed his opinion of me and apparently described our night together as "brutal".  Now Uncle Dwayne, that really isn't a nice thing to say.  Energetic perhaps.  Long lasting perhaps.  Certainly not brutal though.

Anyway, everyone shush.  I'm watching my favourite show.

I like jet lag, it's really quite fun.  Can we do this again sometime soon Mummy?  I've had a great night.

Mummy?

Oh well, I guess all staff are allowed a little downtime.  Just this once, I'll allow it.

Baby over and out.






Saturday, 8 September 2012

The biggest adventure in the WORLD!

Mummy told me we were going on the biggest adventure in the WORLD this week.  I didn't really know what that meant but she was trying to describe a big metal bird thing that flies in the sky and can even go across a big ocean.  Well! CLEARLY Mummy has been drinking too much falling down juice because even I know there's no such thing as a metal bird.  Birds come in white, brown, grey and sometimes in other colours but they don't come in metal!

Anyway, she said we were going in this big metal (clearly imaginary) bird all the way to somewhere called Canada or as Daddy kept calling it, Canaydia.  Apparently this was going to be a very long trip and I had to be on my best behaviour the whole way there and not give Mummy any trouble at all.....

Well!  The indignity of such a suggestion!  Me? Give anyone trouble? As if such a preposterous thing would ever occur! Of course I require appropriate service and am quite willing to let the staff know when they are being delinquent but I would hardly consider this to be causing trouble!

So, the day came and Daddy put me into the car and we drove and drove and drove - for hours!  I slept for part of the way but approximately ten miles from any known restaurant or service station, I decided I was hungry.  Right. Now.  In fact, I was about to die of starvation.  Of course I let the staff know about this so I'm quite confident they enjoyed the next ten miles of the trip.  Thankfully, they finally accepted the wisdom behind my comments and found somewhere to feed me.  I very much enjoyed my jar of mush and happily chuckled at and charmed everyone who looked at me.  Then I decided I would very much like some grapes.  Quite a lot of grapes in fact.  Unfortunately so many grapes that I decided to return them to Mummy and Daddy in quite a dramatic way.  Hmmm my charm offensive may have become slightly less effective at that point.  Thankfully, Mummy and Daddy succeeded in cleaning me up and we got on the road again.

The journey was very smooth for the next two hours of so, so smooth that when we were precisely 2.3 miles from the place called "hotel", Daddy felt confident enough to say that we were having a very good trip.  This was a very big mistake as it took precisely five seconds for all of the cars to ground to an utter halt.  Three lanes of cars at a complete stop.  Of course as you might expect, this was the point at which I decided I was THIRSTY.  And I was THIRSTY NOW.  I began to shout for the staff to pay attention to me and couldn't figure out why I was being ignored.  I shouted louder.  The shouting in fact got so loud that Mummy was very upset and Daddy was getting noisy himself.  Apparently it took us over an hour to travel .3 of a mile.  Eventually, Mummy opened her car door and jumped out.  I was so shocked I actually stopped shouting as I looked at her in shock.  Mummy, are you playing chicken?  Thankfully though, she climbed into the back seat with me and started pouring lemonade into my mouth.  Such relief!  It took quite some time longer for us to reach the hotel but it probably took a little bit longer for Mummy and Daddy to start speaking again.  I don't think Daddy will describe a journey as good any time soon.

Eventually though, we all settled down for a nice sleep.  The next morning, Mummy decided to get up at 5:15am, I'm really not sure why as I had already decided to have a nice lie in.  Daddy had to poke me awake, telling me that we were now going somewhere called "airport" to see this (imaginary) bit metal bird.  At this point, I began to be suspicious that something odd was going on.  I was suspicious enough that I started to quietly voice some complaints.  Once Mummy had given some big bags to a lady behind a desk and then started saying goodbye to Daddy, I got worried.  Something strange was definitely going on and I was quite confident that something was going on and I didn't like it.  I NOISILY didn't like it.

Needless to say, it was a noisy trip through security.
It was in fact a noisy two hour wait in the airport.
It was also a noisy wait in the queue to go see the big metal bird.
But instead of leaving again once we had seen it (it does, amazingly enough, actually exist!) we didn't turn around to come home again.  Instead Mummy said we had to get inside the big metal bird and let it fly us somewhere far far away.  If anything, my shouting became louder at this point.

Mummy was getting nervous but she needn't have worried, I was just letting everyone know I was ready for my nap.  Once we had finally settled down into our small little chair, I cuddled into Mummy's soft squishy bits and fell asleep for three whole hours.  In doing so, I kindly prevented her from having any lunch but I'm quite sure she wasn't missing anything really.  She may have disagreed as she had a small snack sized bag of pretzels between breakfast and arriving in Canada but I'm sure she was overreacting really.  They must have been very nice pretzels because she ate them really very quickly.


When I woke up, I was quite content to play on Mummy's iPad, play with the nice little nursery rhyme book she had bought me (my favourite was the b-i-n-g-o song - I played that quite a lot....as in more than 100 times) but otherwise I spent my time generally being adorable.


Unfortunately though, at hour five of seven point five, I was finished with sitting in the big metal bird.  I was in fact 
quite ready to get off RIGHT NOW and as my fans will know, I'm not shy with sharing my opinions.  So I did so.  Loudly.  For two and a half hours.  Mummy was remarkably patient with me, particularly during the part when I vomited into her hand...but we won't talk about that part.


FINALLY we got off the big metal bird.

FINALLY we cleared security.
FINALLY Mummy picked up all her bags.

And FINALLY we went through some big glass doors where Aunty Lynne was waiting for us.


She took one look at Mummy's face and, after giving her a hug said, "like that was it?"


Mummy didn't say much but I guess Aunty Lynne must be telepathic.  I'm sure I wasn't THAT 

bad....was I? 

Mummy, is this Canadia?  

Mummy? Why aren't you speaking to me Mummy?!

Hmmmmm......the staff appear to be off duty....