Mummy told me we were going on the biggest adventure in the WORLD this week. I didn't really know what that meant but she was trying to describe a big metal bird thing that flies in the sky and can even go across a big ocean. Well! CLEARLY Mummy has been drinking too much falling down juice because even I know there's no such thing as a metal bird. Birds come in white, brown, grey and sometimes in other colours but they don't come in metal!
Anyway, she said we were going in this big metal (clearly imaginary) bird all the way to somewhere called Canada or as Daddy kept calling it, Canaydia. Apparently this was going to be a very long trip and I had to be on my best behaviour the whole way there and not give Mummy any trouble at all.....
Well! The indignity of such a suggestion! Me? Give anyone trouble? As if such a preposterous thing would ever occur! Of course I require appropriate service and am quite willing to let the staff know when they are being delinquent but I would hardly consider this to be causing trouble!
So, the day came and Daddy put me into the car and we drove and drove and drove - for hours! I slept for part of the way but approximately ten miles from any known restaurant or service station, I decided I was hungry. Right. Now. In fact, I was about to die of starvation. Of course I let the staff know about this so I'm quite confident they enjoyed the next ten miles of the trip. Thankfully, they finally accepted the wisdom behind my comments and found somewhere to feed me. I very much enjoyed my jar of mush and happily chuckled at and charmed everyone who looked at me. Then I decided I would very much like some grapes. Quite a lot of grapes in fact. Unfortunately so many grapes that I decided to return them to Mummy and Daddy in quite a dramatic way. Hmmm my charm offensive may have become slightly less effective at that point. Thankfully, Mummy and Daddy succeeded in cleaning me up and we got on the road again.
The journey was very smooth for the next two hours of so, so smooth that when we were precisely 2.3 miles from the place called "hotel", Daddy felt confident enough to say that we were having a very good trip. This was a very big mistake as it took precisely five seconds for all of the cars to ground to an utter halt. Three lanes of cars at a complete stop. Of course as you might expect, this was the point at which I decided I was THIRSTY. And I was THIRSTY NOW. I began to shout for the staff to pay attention to me and couldn't figure out why I was being ignored. I shouted louder. The shouting in fact got so loud that Mummy was very upset and Daddy was getting noisy himself. Apparently it took us over an hour to travel .3 of a mile. Eventually, Mummy opened her car door and jumped out. I was so shocked I actually stopped shouting as I looked at her in shock. Mummy, are you playing chicken? Thankfully though, she climbed into the back seat with me and started pouring lemonade into my mouth. Such relief! It took quite some time longer for us to reach the hotel but it probably took a little bit longer for Mummy and Daddy to start speaking again. I don't think Daddy will describe a journey as good any time soon.
Eventually though, we all settled down for a nice sleep. The next morning, Mummy decided to get up at 5:15am, I'm really not sure why as I had already decided to have a nice lie in. Daddy had to poke me awake, telling me that we were now going somewhere called "airport" to see this (imaginary) bit metal bird. At this point, I began to be suspicious that something odd was going on. I was suspicious enough that I started to quietly voice some complaints. Once Mummy had given some big bags to a lady behind a desk and then started saying goodbye to Daddy, I got worried. Something strange was definitely going on and I was quite confident that something was going on and I didn't like it. I NOISILY didn't like it.
Needless to say, it was a noisy trip through security.
It was in fact a noisy two hour wait in the airport.
It was also a noisy wait in the queue to go see the big metal bird.
But instead of leaving again once we had seen it (it does, amazingly enough, actually exist!) we didn't turn around to come home again. Instead Mummy said we had to get inside the big metal bird and let it fly us somewhere far far away. If anything, my shouting became louder at this point.
Mummy was getting nervous but she needn't have worried, I was just letting everyone know I was ready for my nap. Once we had finally settled down into our small little chair, I cuddled into Mummy's soft squishy bits and fell asleep for three whole hours. In doing so, I kindly prevented her from having any lunch but I'm quite sure she wasn't missing anything really. She may have disagreed as she had a small snack sized bag of pretzels between breakfast and arriving in Canada but I'm sure she was overreacting really. They must have been very nice pretzels because she ate them really very quickly.
When I woke up, I was quite content to play on Mummy's iPad, play with the nice little nursery rhyme book she had bought me (my favourite was the b-i-n-g-o song - I played that quite a lot....as in more than 100 times) but otherwise I spent my time generally being adorable.
Unfortunately though, at hour five of seven point five, I was finished with sitting in the big metal bird. I was in fact
quite ready to get off RIGHT NOW and as my fans will know, I'm not shy with sharing my opinions. So I did so. Loudly. For two and a half hours. Mummy was remarkably patient with me, particularly during the part when I vomited into her hand...but we won't talk about that part.
FINALLY we got off the big metal bird.
FINALLY we cleared security.
FINALLY Mummy picked up all her bags.
And FINALLY we went through some big glass doors where Aunty Lynne was waiting for us.
She took one look at Mummy's face and, after giving her a hug said, "like that was it?"
Mummy didn't say much but I guess Aunty Lynne must be telepathic. I'm sure I wasn't THAT
Mummy, is this Canadia?
Mummy? Why aren't you speaking to me Mummy?!
Hmmmmm......the staff appear to be off duty....