I've been talking to my friends and taking notes from the internet (in between writing my blog posts) and I've learned that one of the key ways to demonstrate being Big Boy Two is to throw tantrums. Lots and lots of tantrums. So, I decided to start off slowly with 1-2 tantrums a day but when I have the energy, I succeed in working up to 6 or more. Mummy says it's like one long tantrum as they all blend together but I'm sure she's exaggerating just a little bit. At least it's more like having a morning tantrum and an afternoon tantrum. Ok well and sometimes a bedtime tantrum too. But that all really! Just three ickle wickle ones....
You see I start off by notifying Mummy that I am Exceedingly Unhappy With The Present Arrangements by throwing my arms up in the air, arching my back until I'm bowed in a virtually gymnastic position, then I Begin To Shout. I shout all sorts of things, usually about how much I Very Much Dislike The Present Arrangements, how I Am Being Abused and how I Do Not Wish To Cooperate. When Mummy grits her teeth and ignores all these things, I begin to kick, then I smack my arms about, then I writhe about on the floor while screaming at that particular pitch that makes Mummy's eyes go all funny. I know I'm getting somewhere when I see her start to grit her teeth. Sometimes she shouts a bit too but we won't mention those times. The best part is when she's trying to pick me up and instead of cooperating, I fling my arms up in the air while arching backwards, essentially ensuring she has nothing to grab onto and it's a bit like trying to keep hold of an exceedingly grumpy wet fish who is jerking and screaming all at the same time.
At first, she used to try to soothe and comfort me thinking something was truly wrong in my world. But eventually, as I kept practicing - and even practicing in advance so that the moment she touched me the arching convulsions and screaming would begin, she started to become less patient with my practicing. Sometimes she puts me down on my changing mat and holds an ankle with one hand, while sorting out my nappy with another hand, holding the wipes, new nappy and bepanthen with a mysterious third hand and stuffing Dumbles in with a fourth hand while trying to distract me with a toy in a fifth hand. On the good days she reminds me of a picture I've seen of a Hindu goddess who seems to have an arm for every job. On the bad days....well let's say the cleanup operation is a tad more complicated and leave it at that since I don't think you really need a description of the time my brown streaked nappy landed upside down on the rug a few feet away while I rubbed the skidmarks through my hair...no I just won't go there, you don't need to know.
Once, Mummy had the sheer cheek to watch me screaching and writhing on the carpet for a minute and then, when I nearly bumped my head on the marble mantlepiece, she actually had the nerve to strap me into my highchair before Leaving The Room! I couldn't believe it! The sheer indignity of being put somewhere safe and left to shriek in private was Utterly Unacceptable! I twisted and jerked, screamed and howled but she flatly ignored me. After At Least An Hour If Not Two, she had the nerve to come back in with a cup of tea and ask me if I was finished! Well! I ask you!!! The Sheer Nerve!!!! I notified her in quite uncertain terms that I Had Not Finished Thank You Very Much and, would you believe, SHE WALKED OUT AGAIN!!!!!
It was this moment that I decided once and for all to advertise for a new set of staff. These ones simply are not acceptable and clearly entirely untrainable. No, it's best just to cut my losses. I require far more devotion that Mummy is currently demonstrating so it's no good, she'll just have to go. I would however be delighted to interview new applicants for the position and I assure you that once I've got it right, I promise never to throw another tantrum again. I'm really quite a goodnatured baby. In fact, if you were considering applying, just forget everything you've just read. Mummy wrote it, not me, and it does not in any way reflect the essence of Who I Really Am and is entirely made up of false and unfair allegations. See? That's why she has to go.
So, If you wish to apply for the position, please do send in your written application to:
I look forward to hearing from you soon! You call is valuable to us and will be held in a queue until the next available operator....oh never mind.