Sunday, 24 March 2013

In Which I Turn Two

On this, the evening before my second birthday, I have drawn up a Plan of Events that I consider to be acceptable as a way of celebrating everything that is wonderful about me (which is, my loyal readers will be unsurprised to know) quite a lot.

I plan to arise with the morning sun, or preferably slightly before it, in order to maximise the festivities on my special day.  To this end, I have set my internal alarm clock for 5:02am and I plan to notify Mother and Father that I AM AWAKE as loudly as I can.  (You will note that I am now far too mature to refer to the staff as Mummy and Daddy.  Now that I am nearly two, I have decided it is high time to grow up and allow my vocabulary to grow with me.)

The first thing I shall do, upon waking the staff, is to demonstrate what an exceptionally kind baby I am by considering, not my own needs, but those of Mother by initiating my Holistic Wellness Program.  You see, I have noticed that she is looking rather stressed of late and so, after completing extensive research, I have decided the best option is a Swedish Massage.  Since, alas, I am not yet responsible for my own funds, I will be unable to send her to a spa for the day and so I will have to demonstrate my own skills in this area.  I have therefore affectionately renamed this treatment Swedish Toddler Massage and it involves thumping Mother's muscles as hard as I can with Favourite Green Tractor or Favourite Remote Control Which Is The One That Sings Pretty Music.  I'm quite certain that Mother will be just as appreciative of this generous and kind treatment at 5:03am as she has been over a number of days in the past month.  I'm sure the bruises are entirely coincidental and that she must have bumped into something.

The next step in this gracious compassionate programme involves caring for Mother in precisely the same way that she cares for me.  You see, when she detects subtle aromas emanating from my pants, she very kindly pulls out my waistband to peer down into my nappy saying she is checking for chocolate drops.  Now, aside from the fact that this is exceptionally inconsiderate as it makes me believe that chocolate comes out of my bottom (which it doesn't, trust me, I've checked) it is, I know, a way of taking care of me by making sure I am always clean.

But you see, since Mother is simply so busy lately, I'm starting to suspect she doesn't have much time to take care of herself so it is important for me to do this for her.  To this end, after her massage, I will do as I have been lately and walk over to Mother, yank out the waistband of her trousers, do my best to pull them down and check her nappy for chocolate drops.  Just to be sure.  I'm not sure what I would do if I actually found said chocolate drops, but that's another story.

After this, I know Mother will take care of me and get me ready to go downstairs to begin my big day.  As you know, I'm not usually a fan of eating myself, but thankfully I have a new trick which is to pick up the food Mother has offered to me and to shove it into her mouth.  This is, I know, very kind and gracious of me, and so I will ensure Mother has a hearty breakfast in order to have the energy to wait on me.

Those tasks completed, I will be certain and confident that I have discharged my duty of care towards The Staff and will fully expect to be waited on hand and foot for the rest of the day.  My Majesty will be holding Open Court to which all are welcome (and expected) to attend with copious numbers of presents, cake, presents, sweets and more presents - all presented to me with suitable flourish.  I will of course nod graciously at those depositing such things at my feet and then proceed to flatly ignore them in favour of the 457,000th repeat of my currently favourite film, The Gruffalo; closely followed by the 508,000th repeat of the fantastic sequel, The Gruffalo's Child.

In short, I look forward to a fantastic day which celebrates the very important fact of my presence on this mortal coil and looks forward to all of the adulation I am sure is my due.  On that note, I retire to my repose to ensure I wake fresh and lively as a daisy, first thing tomorrow.  So for that last time as 1, goodnight world.

Adam x

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